I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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