Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
