I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
