A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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