I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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