I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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