You smell like stripper and shame
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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