dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
