do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
