I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
