I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize