it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
