Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've blown a few things in my day
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
