whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
