his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
splinters make it hard to masturbate
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
