I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
