Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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