Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I am puke
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
