I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
