how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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