Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
