my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
