the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she told me i tasted like america
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
