i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
