Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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