p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
