I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
