Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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