2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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