i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
