Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
