I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
