Your face is a jimmy john
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
