Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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