: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
