I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
