All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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