i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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