somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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