dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think my mom watched the whole time
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
