All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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