lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
