I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
