she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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