Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
