You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
