If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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