I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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