I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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