I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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