You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize