I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize