my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
