He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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