Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Randomize
