Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
