My sheets look like a crime scene.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
