I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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