umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
