how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
